Teens and Domestic Violence
by: Valencia Shelter for Victims of Domestic Violence
Creating Healthy Relationships
What is Love?
People use many different words and ideas to describe what love is. Some of the words and ideas describe healthy relationships and some don't. Some people have ideas about love that, should they become behaviors, could be unhealthy or dangerous. Some beliefs about love could lead to dating violence.
Love
Trust
Open communication
Sharing
Compromising
Recognizing differences
Openness
Respect
Shared decision-making
Mutually agreed-upon intimacy
Taking responsibility for one's own actions
Not Love
Bullying
Jealousy
Humiliation
Pressured intimacy
Possessiveness
Intimidation
Fear
Manipulation
Blaming someone else for your actions
Jemmie and Sam
Jemmie and Sam have been going out for two months. They usually go out together on Friday and Saturday night. They often don't plan ahead, but Sam just stops by and picks Jemmie up and they go somewhere together.
One Friday night Jemmie's friends are planning a party. Jemmie is invited and Sam is not. Jemmie wants to go, tells Sam about it and asks what they're planning for Saturday night.
Sam asks a lot of questions like:
Who all is going to be at this party?
Are you going to be alone?
Why don't you want to be with me?
And he finally says in a sullen voice, If you really loved me you would tell them you can't come. You don't need anyone but me, anyway.
Jemmie has never had anything like this happen before. The party sounds like a lot of fun. Why should Sam expect that they should go everywhere together? He could be with his friends on Friday night just like Jemmie will be.
There are some early warning signs of teen dating violence in this story. It is clear that Jemmie and Sam are thinking about their relationship in different ways. While Jemmie thinks that it is okay to be with different people and spend time away from Sam, Sam applies a bit of pressure by saying to Jemmie, If you really loved me you would tell them you cant come.
Its hard to tell if this will be a healthy relationship.
Some teens have shared these ideas about ways to have a healthy relationship.
Listen to each other.
Show respect for wishes and limits.
Communicate openly with each other. You each have a right to express yourself.
Expect to treat your partner well, and to be treated well.
Know that you both have a right to feel safe.
Healthy relationships have two equal partners.
Here are some questions to ask about someone you're considering dating. These may help to reduce the risk of being in an unhealthy relationship.
How does this persons treat others?
What is this persons reputation?
Who are this persons friends? How do they behave together?
Do you know anyone else who has dated this person? What do they say?
Finally, asks yourself, Does this person meet my expectations?
Do I believe that this person will treat me well?
It is never okay to abuse another person.
There is never a good enough reason to hit someone, to disrespect or humiliate someone. Dating violence is not love.
If you need support, encouragement or help to be safe, talk to
A school counselor
A family friend
A trusted adult
Your friends
Any of these people can help you call a crisis line if you need to talk. Or, they can call the police if you want to report an assault.
Last Reviewed On: 05/21/04
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