Grandparent's Guide - Parenting IssuesHelping to Raise Your Children's ChildrenThis web page is an excerpt from the Grandparent's Guide brochure written as a joint project of the Beatitudes Center for Developing Older Adult Resources (Center D.O.A.R.) and BlueCross BlueShield of Arizona. General Parenting ConcernsEffective Communication Discipline With Flexibility Building Self Esteem Child Abuse Behavior Issues School Day Care Other articles from this series found under the Grandparents subtopic are: Being a parent is not an easy task. Grandparents raising grandchildren face challenges as they once again take on a parenting role. Because grandchildren may have special needs, grandparents must learn new parenting skills and work with teachers, counselors, and others to provide their grandchildren with the tools for success in later life. General Parenting ConcernsGrandparents assuming the responsibility for grandchildren can easily become overwhelmed by issues related to parenting and discipline. Society has changed since they were parents, and, though many behavior issues are common regardless of the generation, these societal changes often pose difficult problems. Because many children have come from a traumatic environment, their behavior patterns may differ from other children in their age group, causing further parenting concerns. More Parenting Tips:
All of this will contribute to the development of your grandchild's positive self esteem, which, in turn, promotes a healthy, happy child! Effective CommunicationGood communication is important in helping all of us to get through life. But good communication is essential when it comes to raising children. A good communicator can minimize misunderstandings. Grandchildren need to hear clear messages from you, that you care, and that you will listen to them. Whether it's about watching TV, setting curfews, or learning about their bodies, encourage your grandchildren to feel they can talk to you about anything without hesitation. When you set up good communication with your grandchildren, they know they can come to you for direction, feedback, or guidance. Two important concepts to enhance communication are: Other effective communication tips include:
Discipline With FlexibilityA key to making sure discipline doesn't become a problem is to set ground rules everyone can understand. Families should agree on what is expected of children and how they'll be punished if a rule is broken. Discipline needs to be fair, consistent, unemotional and without physical violence. The last condition is especially important. Childhood experts agree that "sparing the rod" is preferable to the potential problems of physical discipline. Children who are physically punished learn that the stronger person wins ("might makes right"). Any time you physically discipline a child, you approach that fine line between physical discipline and child abuse. And too many children have suffered from adults who crossed that line. Rather than discipline alone, consider positive reinforcement as an effective motivation. Hugs, cheers, and good listening are great motivators, but short and long term rewards may also be used effectively. Be consistent, fair and firm in deciding what rules, restrictions or discipline to use. Work with your grandchildren as a team to draw up a contract of rules and possible disciplinary measures. For example, when a child finishes the tasks assigned to them, they can go out with their friends. Then with your grandchildren agree on the consequences if that rule is broken. If you feel you might have to enforce rules with punishment, ask yourself:
Instead of punishment, try to:
Building Self EsteemNo single action can shield your grandchildren from the challenges they face pressures to try drugs and alcohol, playground threats, gender stereotyping, bigotry to name a few. But developing a level of self esteem can become the armor to help deflect these problems. Increasing your grandchildren's self esteem cannot happen "without effective communication. It accomplishes three things:
1. It tells your grandchildren they are important. One way to help your grandchild clarify values that can lead to increased self esteem is to use the events of daily life. For example, the evening TV news carries a story about vandalism at a local school. Talk to your grandchild to find out his/her reactions. Would he/she be angry if their school was damaged? What would your grandchild do if classmates asked him/her to participate in vandalism? Talk on your grandchild's level. Make it a conversation and don't lecture. Listen to the child's answers without judging. When you read a story to your grandchild or watch a movie together, ask how he/she would deal with a problem that a character faced. Whatever the situation, whether it involves drugs, alcohol, smoking, or violent behaviors, use simple, straightforward terms. Other tips for building self esteem include:
Child AbuseChild abuse is a reality of life. This includes not only physical and sexual abuse, but also neglect and emotional abuse. The following suggestions can help you be more sensitive to possible abuse of your grandchild:
Know that child abuse can have long term, damaging effects on a child's later relationships, self esteem, and physical well being. Behavior IssuesNot only are you raising a child you never planned for, but you may be raising a child with multiple problems. These children are basically good, but many have not had a good start in life. Often they have emotional and behavioral problems different from children who have not shared their life experiences. They may be anxious and insecure. They may have a difficult time trusting anyone or anything. They may also have feelings of instability. Reassurance, nurturing and acceptance are what your grandchildren need, as well as consistency and discipline. Children need to be reassured that you will not leave them and that they are safe. These children often have a low sense of self esteem. Building self esteem and consistent discipline will help solve many behavior problems. Build up the child's self image by using positive reinforcement and lots of praise. Remind the child that you love and accept him/her. Try and maintain a consistent, predictable routine so that your grandchild can trust you and his/her new environment. If difficult behavior problems persist, it may be necessary to seek professional help. SchoolSchools may provide valuable help in raising grandchildren. A grandchild's teacher needs to know that he/she is being raised by grandparents. Often, behavioral, social or emotional problems manifest themselves in the classroom. Working with a teacher on these issues can be a win-win situation for all. Many schools have nurses, counselors, or social workers on staff. They may be able to assist with accessing community resources, counseling services, support groups, medical needs, and other help available through the local school district or the wider community. Because of the sensitive family issues often involved with raising grandchildren, grandparents often fail to ask for help. Remember that accessing services to which a child is entitled can be a way of providing 'care for the caregiver' and valuable assistance for grandchildren. Becoming involved in school activities, if at all possible, is an excellent way of maintaining close contact with what is happening at school. It may also provide an opportunity to advocate for the needs of grandparents raising grandchildren. Too, working with the school may be a way to meet other grandparents who are also raising grandchildren. Day CareWhen you can't always be with your grandchild there are several child care options to choose from. Many churches, schools and employers operate day care centers for preschoolers. Sitters may come to your home or you may take your grandchild to their home. Many people find it helpful to take turns with neighbors, friends or relatives in caring for children. Some schools offer after school programs for primary grade children for a small fee. Shop, compare, and get recommendations from friends and family. If you have decided to hire an outside day care center, compile a list of locations convenient to your workplace or home. Call each one and ask about fees, hours and ages of children at the center. They may have a brochure that answers your questions. Visit each of them. A center should encourage you to come with your grandchild for a scheduled visit. The following tips will help you evaluate a day care facility:
Consider your reaction to each day care center. What was the atmosphere like? Which did your grandchild like the most? Consider getting involved in the center's activities by going along on a field trip or volunteering occasionally. If you choose to bring your grandchild to another person's home or if you hire a sitter to come to your home, do some additional probing:
Revised July 2003 |